zagzagael (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} zagzagael) wrote,@ 2008-04-26 12:07:00 |
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TITLE: This Emptiness Feels Like Being Filled With Pain
PAIRING: Dean/Jo
RATING: hard G
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Not sure if I want them to be...but Dean sure has a purty mouth.
NOTES: Hee~! Songfic! *hangs head in post-adolescent shame* I know, I know, I wrote fookin SONGFIC. (I despise songfic) But it's a vapid Saturday morning here and it's either write songfic or mop the kitchen lino. Now, I have NO idea how canon this is - I've watched Supernatural ONLY up to Tall Tales and this is basically inspired by the ep before TT - Born Under a Bad Sign. So....that's as much Supernatural Canon as I've got, sorry if it doesn't work because of an arc development I haven't seen...Don't SPOIL me, though.
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
So far away. From you. And from who I want to be. With you. Far from The Roadhouse, my home, my mother, the only family I have now, yet there was such a yearning. To go. Leave. Not run away, walk away. I was filled with it. And now I know, I have discovered, it’s still only about finding bonds. Again. Forging bonds that won’t break. I wanted to see the ocean and the palm trees; instead, I’m as landlocked as I ever was. Anchored again to a place, weighed down by myself. And tethered forever, somehow, to you, Dean Winchester.
In dreams, in my dreams, waking and sleeping, you come to me, as you are, as you are, you come with the promise of what a family could be, how we could become family. Become a thing, together. Family.
Images of you solid, substantial, crooked grin, that tilt of your beautiful head, the twinkle in your eye. I know you, Dean. And you could know me. I would let you. Know me. You could put your hands on me, there. Put your mouth on me, hold my body against your own. I would whisper to you, the secret that is me. And you could hold me in your arms, tighter than I could ever hold you although I would cling to you fiercely, fiercely. There would be no more secret me, it would be a secret us, whispered in the darkness. Mouths to ears.
Oh, Dean. Where are we now, what are these places that we occupy. So far from home. You live inside me, I keep you there, against your wishes, I know. I would gladly live in you. For you.
Sing to me.
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot do this, I will not do this. What is it about you? What in you is calling to me? You are nothing like the women who eyeball me in bars, and get eyeballed back in return. Your small body, almost like a boy, your utter lack of pretense. Have you ever thought about shuckin' them worn out bluejeans and putting on a dress? C’mon, girl. The scuffed boots, your long toes, your swinging hips, the tank tees, your perfect breasts, the long length of your arm, just there, your broken nails, god, you've got elegant fingers. Beautiful There's this way, this curve in your neck that makes me see how vulnerable you are. I can't look. No makeup, your nude face, blonde hair pulled back messily. Your ear between the strands of silky hair is something I have to look away from, too, because it makes me want to put my mouth at the nape of your neck and lick my way up to that lobe and bite. I cannot do this. Please.
My father thrust a baby into my arms, my brother, and I can't put that weight down. My heart is big, Jo, my reach is not.
I’m holding Sam right now and my arms are full.
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?
Some nights I go home alone and toss on the sea of my empty bed, until I finally drown in my own saltwater. Other nights, I go home with someone else beside me and I lie down on the barren desert of this bed and spend a night dying of thirst. A thirst that cannot be quenched. I think of you. Dean.
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I see you, I see you, I see you.
I want to believe you’re happy. So, when I see you, I see you happy. All the way down to the chipped polish on your toenails.
I want to sit here and feel this heartache that I brought on myself. I want to feel it because it makes me remember. Remember that there are some things worth hurting over. I keep myself suspended over a chasm that cannot be bridged. It’s my pain and I nurse it the only way I know how. I drink until I can finally, finally close my eyes and sleep. I wake up, hungover, curled around myself, holding myself, and Sam is sleeping and I know wherever you are, you’re sleeping too. I wish you only the sweetest of dreams. Both of you.
And all I feel is sick and empty, most of the time, but when I am filled, I am filled with pain.
